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JAS' Big ol Book of Mythos

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  • JAS' Big ol Book of Mythos

    So a couple of you guys mentioned how you loved mythology, and liked how I presented it, so I decided I would make a little nook for the tales of heroism, murder, rape, and other things the ancient world used to try to describe their world around them. The first post I made on the subject was about Odysseus and his travels. The second was about Daedalus the craftsman.

    But Greek isn't my favorite branch of mythology. For the first official post I bring a long, but popular Norse tale from the Prose Edda featuring everyone's favorite Norse fratboy, Thor.


    Don't you wish you were this sexy?


    So Thor, Loki (before he went full evil), and Thor's houscarl Thalfi (think Lidya from Skyrim) were adventuring in Midgard (land of you, me, and all the other jerkoffs). Night was falling fast, and the weather was getting rough, so they had Thalfi run around and find some shelter. Thalfi found a gigantic cave to sleep in, which had five branches going even deeper.

    That morning, they wake up to an earthquake and find they weren't in a cave, but the glove of a giant named Skrymir, who happened to be sleeping nearby. Now Thor was a mighty manly god, but he had never seen a giant as big as Skrymir, who introduced himself as a dwarf among his people. Thor was intrigued, and wanted to meet their lord. Skrymir, being a bro, offered to carry all of their bags during the travels, and the trio of adventurers let him. That night, Skrymir gave them back their bags, but decided to be a dick, and tie their bags closed with a ****ing Gordian knot.

    Suffice to say, Thor wasn't very Alexander. Instead, he got hungry and pissed, so while Skrymir was sleeping, Thor grabbed his legendary hammer, Mjollnir, and climbed up between Skrymir's eyebrows and laid waste with his patented Giant Killing Murderstrike. Astonishingly, Skrymir wasn't dead, but woke up and dickishly asked if a leaf fell on his nose. Then was like "Oh, hey, Thor! I didn't see you there, you should get something to eat, bro." Thor, confused, went back to his friends, trying to figure out why Mjollnir didn't smite the giant with much smitery.

    A little later, the gods couldn't sleep because some asshole giant was snoring up a storm. Thor figured he could try using Mjollnir again to stop the giant's snoring permanently. He smote the giant's head with a fierce double handed strike, which caved the giant's head in so far, he could feel Mjollnir tickling giant neurons. But after he pulled Mjollnir out of the giant's frontal lobe, Skrymir sat up, asking if an acorn had fallen on his head. Thor, still mind-****ed by his failure to do the one thing he was born to do, lied, and said something had woken him up too.


    Why can't I kill this jackass?

    When Skrymir fell asleep again, Thor decided he would try one more time. He smashed the giant's head in so hard that Mjollnir's handle sunk well into the giant's brain, cracking the rock below the giant's skull. But Skrymir woke up, saw Thor standing slack jawed, and asked "dude, did a bird just **** on my face? I swear I felt something." Thor had no clue what to do.

    Much to Thor's alleviation, they arrived at castle Utgard the next day. A giant castle, even by giant standards, so tall they couldn't see where the walls ended from the ground. Skrymir tole them to just go in, but not to brag about crap they couldn't back up. The lord of Utgard was a jotunn named Loki (not the god, it's just that Snorri Sturluson had no imagination for names) who invited the three in, but said they could only stay if they could prove they were the best at something.

    Loki steps forward and tells Utgard-Loki (that's how we keep them straight) that nobody can eat faster than him. So Utgard-Loki sets up a challenge. A large table was set, with Loki on one side, and a giant named Logi placed on the other. At the whistle, they started scarfing food as fast as they could in a disgusting display of Kobayashi-ness. Amazingly, they met in the exact middle of the table, but Loki didn't eat everything like Logi did... being the bones, cups, plates, chairs, and even the damned table. Loki may have gotten a full belly, but had his pride damaged.

    Thalfi steps up next, and says nobody runs faster than him. So Utgard-Loki set him up to race a guy named Hugi. In three races, Thalfi kept losing worse and worse until he wasn't even half way done with the third race by the time Hugi finished. Embarassing.

    Utgard-Loki had heard of Thor's exploits, and eagerly awaited to challenge him. Thor, being a legendary frat bro, boasted to be the best drinker in the nine realms. Excited, Utgard-Loki brought out a gigantic ram's horn filled with mead and told him that a good drinker could shotgun it in one go. A lightweight could do it in two swigs, but nobody was pussy enough to need three. So Thor took it and drank. And drank. And drank. When he came up for air, he noticed that the mead only fell a little bit. Pissed, he took a second swig, and didn't come up for air until he was blue in the face. It wasn't even half empty. A third swallow, but there was no emptying this massive cup.


    Even the Norns be like CHUG!! CHUG!!! CHUG!!!

    Utgard-Loki, being a dick, offers to allow Thor to try to pick up his cat, something which he challenges the jotunn children to do. Thor, drunk off his ass, agrees, yelling "I'LL SNATCH YER PUSSY FOR YOU!" A massive cat jumps off of Utgard-Loki's throne and Thor grabs the beast's chest, as if to do a feline assisted clean and jerk. As he lifts, the cat just arches it's back, but doesn't lift off the ground. In a fury, Thor lifts harder, and harder, until a single paw is lifted off of the ground.


    Damn, that's one big pussy

    Utgard-Loki laughs, because Thor is so small and puny, he can barely lift a cat. Thor, getting his hate-boner half turgid, says "FIGHT ME IRL DOUCHEFAG" but Utgard-Loki dismisses the thought, and offers him to wrestle with an old haggard giantess named Elli, who had been Utgard-Loki's wet nurse (for those of you who haven't read GoT, that's a woman who breastfeeds a noble child to save the quality of the royal tits)

    Thor, happy to fight anyone, starts to wrestle with Elli, but soon finds that he overestimated the old crone. She was fighting back with a fierceness he never expected. He clashes with the giantess for a few hours, but finally is thrown to his knees. Broken, drunk, and exhausted, Thor sits down and admits he's not the most awesome Bro at everything. Utgard-Loki, taking a little pity on them, offers to let them feast, and stay there for the night.


    Thor, god of Thunder, cower before the saggy, wrinkly tits of your defeat

    Thor, Loki, and Thalfi wake up early, and start making their way out, when Utgard-Loki offers to escort them out of the castle. Thor is crestfallen, trying to understand why his godly awesomeness didn't prevail in anything. Once out of the castle, and well away from the gates, Utgard-Loki comes clean.

    "Bros," he started, "I apologize for testing you, but I needed to know how strong you gods truly are. Thor, if you look along where you traveled here, you will find three massive craters where I had tricked you into thinking I was when you tried to kill me." (Skrymir means "big-looking" and was Utgard-Loki in disguise)

    "Loki, your capacity for food is amazing, but you cannot eat as fast as logi, or a wildfire. You can eat food, but fire consumes all.

    "Thalfi, you are swift, but no man is as swift as hugi or thought. You could not hope to race as fast as my mind. (Side note, one of Odin's ravens is named Huginn, for thought. Muninn, or memory, is his counterpart)

    "And Thor, if I had known you were as strong and fierce as you are, I would have never allowed you into my home. The horn you drank from drained the ocean. Go there, see how the tides have been lowered by your thirst. My cat was not a cat at all, but J?rmangandr the Midgard serpent. (The continents are it's scales, and it wraps itself around midgard, with it's tail in it's teeth as it sleeps. When it awakes for Ragnar?k, Midgard will be destroyed, then it and Thor will finish each other in mortal kombat)

    And most impressively, your extended battle with Elli (old age) was incredible, but no one, giant or god can truly withstand time itself. I may have used tricks to learn your strength, but now I shall use them so you can never harm Utgard with your rage."

    Thor, being a god of very little brain, was ripshit pissed, and swung Mjollnir with murder in his eyes at Utgard-Loki's head, but the giant and his castle disappeared as if only an illusion.

    For a long time, Thor wasn't able to live down his embarrassment of not being able to grasp that the challenges they faced were mostly named after what they actually were.

    If you guys want more mythology, lemme know, or just let this thread die. IDGAF.

  • #2
    Good stuff
    http://bloochat.com/walterfootball <------------- WF.CHAT HERE

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    • #3
      Tell us another story, grampa! McNulty is trying to shame us into coming in here and posting.
      Originally posted by jepg
      I apologise to the entire Walter Football community for my bigoted views.

      I should be put on an island and nuked.
      Originally posted by jepg
      Blue is right

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      • #4
        This is what happens when you live near Lake Erie

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Blue View Post
          Tell us another story, grampa! McNulty is trying to shame us into coming in here and posting.
          hah, tell him he should.

          Originally posted by Leelee View Post
          This is what happens when you live near Lake Erie
          I don't get it. Unless you mean its staying inside instead of going outside in the weather.

          Comment


          • #6
            The Hound of Ulster

            Okay, storytime numbero dos. We hit Greek and Norse mythology, so lets transition to for a moment to Celtic mythology. One of the things that aggravates me is that most people think Achilles was some ultimate badass mofo. Achilles ain't ****, he was a petulant child who tried to avoid going to war by dressing up like a girl, sat around for nine years banging his boy-toy Patroclus (Yeah, wasn't his cousin like in the movie) and then died like a *****, despite having the protection of the gods and 99.5% wound immunity. But there is a man who people call the "Irish Achilles" who was ten times the warrior that the little boy ****er Achilles was. And his name was Setanta, though most people know him by his nickname:

            Cu Chulainn, the Hound of Ulster.


            Two words: Warp spasm


            The story begins with Cu Chulainn's grandfather Cathbad, who was a level 18 druid specializing in prophecy involving sheep intestines (sorry Sancho). He saw that his grandson would be a great, mighty warrior, but also live a very short life. He married his daughter, Dechtire, to a local king named Saultam Mac Roth. During their wedding night, Dechtire accidentally swallowed a fly, and fell into a coma. This wasn't her fault or anything, because the sun god Lugh had seen Dechtire and was like "DAYUM I gotta crack off a piece of that!" During her coma-like state, Lugh banged the **** out of her soul in another dimension for THREE WHOLE YEARS until he got her knocked up. Saultam asked Cathbad what was up, and Cathbad explained that Dechtire was the granddaughter of another god, so it was just gods doing god things. Don't worry about it.

            Anyways, when Dechtire came out of her coma prego, Saultam was happy his wife was back, and afraid of pissing off the gods, so he was happy to adopt the kid as his own. Setanta grew up like any normal kid, and really wasn't that exceptional at anything except he was really damned good at hurling. So when he was a teenager, he had joined the local boy scout troupe, who trained at the fortress Emain Macha (which means Red Branch Knights) to train with other youths in sport and warfare. King Conchobhar of Ulster decided he was going to throw the boy scouts a party, and invited them all to a feast. But Setanta showed up late because when are teenagers actually good at keeping track of time and appointments? Problem was that Culainn, Ulster's primo smith, had let out his guard dog for the night. When I say dog, I don't mean some anklebiting yip-yap, this dog was a trained hunter, large as a pony, and as fierce as the bears it was used to hunt. As the kid was walking to the door, the dog attacked. When the king, the smith, and the other boy scouts ran outside to see what the commotion was, all they found was Setanta covered in blood, and the terror dog from hell dead at his feet.


            Down boy.


            Suffice to say, everyone but Culainn was happy the hound was dead, and also super impressed that this young kid was able to kill it with his bare hands so easily. Setanta, being a decent kid, felt bad about killing the guy's dog for just doing it's job, and offered to become the man's hound until he could train a replacement. The smith declined the offer, but the other kids started calling him Cu Chulainn, which literally means "Chulainn's hound." He liked the nickname so much, he decided to make it his real name. The king of Ulster, however, decided it was time to put the boys to use, and start their path down the war. Ulster had been harassed by three douchenozzels who were descended from gods and abused their power by forcing tribute from local kingdoms. Once Cu Chulainn met these three in battle, something odd happened. Cu Chulainn had been blessed/cursed with the riastrad or "warp spasm" a blinding rage which would literally transform him. I'm pulling this directly from the translation, because I cannot come up with anything this wild: "The first warp-spasm seized Cu Chulainn, and made him into a monstrous thing, hideous and shapeless, unheard of. His shanks and his joints, every knuckle and angle and organ from head to foot, shook like a tree in the flood or a reed in the stream. His body made a furious twist inside his skin, so that his feet and shins switched to the rear and his heels and calves switched to the front... On his head the temple-sinews stretched to the nape of his neck, each mighty, immense, measureless knob as big as the head of a month-old child... he sucked one eye so deep into his head that a wild crane couldn't probe it onto his cheek out of the depths of his skull; the other eye fell out along his cheek. His mouth weirdly distorted: his cheek peeled back from his jaws until the gullet appeared, his lungs and his liver flapped in his mouth and throat, his lower jaw struck the upper a lion-killing blow, and fiery flakes large as a ram's fleece reached his mouth from his throat... The hair of his head twisted like the tange of a red thornbush stuck in a gap; if a royal apple tree with all its kingly fruit were shaken above him, scarce an apple would reach the ground but each would be spiked on a bristle of his hair as it stood up on his scalp with rage..."

            I couldn't find a picture that did it justice.

            After murdering the three jerkoffs and their lackeys by himself, he returned to the Red Branch Knights tents and started demanding they come out and fight him, because once the riastrad bloodlust was awake, there was nothing stopping it. Almost. Ulster's queen saw the whole thing, and knew that the power of bloodlust was strong, but the power of boners was stronger. She sent out over 150 of Ulster's hottest women out, completely naked with huge vats of cold water to tempt the raging man into the water. After jumping in the first bath, the water boiled away under the fury of his bloodrage, the second became incredibly hot, but the third finally tamed his thirst for blood to the point where he was just sitting slack jawed, surrounded by gorgeous ginger titties.

            Afterwards, Cu Chulainn became an instant legend as the Hound of Ulster, and not only did the ladies love his prowess, but he was also developing into one of Ireland's most handsome, eligible bachelors at the ripe old age of 15. He was so man-pretty, that the other men of Ulster began to fear for their wives, and the purity of their daughters just by him being around and unattached, so they conspired to find the hottest woman in Ireland for him to marry. After seeing hundreds of Ireland's finest, he became nearly obsessed with Emer, the daughter of Warlord Fogall, and the most beautiful woman in all the land. Despite being smitten by his handsome face and rippling muscles, she wanted a real man with real accomplishments, and Cu Chulainn's resume wasn't impressive enough, and her father really really really disapproved.


            Great warrior? So what? You pretty but you ain't even got a GED.

            Cu Chulainn, in a depression, asks Fogall what he could do to be worthy of Emer's hand. Fogall suggests he go learn from Scathach, a warrior-queen from the Land of Shadows, in hopes that either the travel or Scathach herself would kill the Hound of Ulster. Cu Chulainn travels there, and begs Scathach to train him. Reluctantly, she agrees to train him, and gives him the Gae Bolg, a wonderous +5 longspear of wounding made from a sea serpent's bones. When it struck a poor hapless warrior, it would barb out and require being cut out with a sword, or brutally torn out. Suffice to say, it was a special occasion weapon. Oh, and you know he was getting his dick wet while he was there with Scathach's hot daughter, Uathach. He also becomes best bros, and blood brothers with a guy named Ferdiad that was also training with Scathach.

            Despite raw dogging her daughter every night, Scathach grew fond of Cu Chulainn, and was afraid for his life when her evil younger sister Aoife showed up demanding a duel to the death with the warrior-queen. Scathach, trying to keep the hound out of the fight, slipped Cu Chulainn a roofie before going out to fight. The only problem was that Cu Chulainn has like a +4 modifier to his constitution, and was knocked out for only 20 minutes or so, and followed after Scathach after waking up. Seeing them fight, he steps in and fights Aoife to a stalemate. Cu Chulainn, impressed by her prowess demands not onlt that she call off her rivalry but also become his baby mamma... and she's okay with that. He gives her a special gold ring to remember him by.


            We're done fighting, now to ****ing.

            Returning home, he finds that Fogall tried to marry Emer off to some local Lord who passed when he heard she was planning on marrying Cu Chulainn, the Hound of Ulster gets pissed off, ransacks Fogall's castle, and throws his soon to be father in law off of the ramparts. Funny enough, the king of Ulster demands his Lord's Right of sleeping with the bride on her wedding night, but is so terrified of Cu Chulainn's wrath that to keep face and not get killed, he has Cathbad (Cu Chulainn's grandfather) sleep between himself and Emer to save face, and show Cu Chulainn that nothing happened.

            He then competes in a weird beheading contest and is unanimously named as Ireland's Greatest Hero because reasons. A couple of adventures happen, he saves a scandinavian princess from the celtic equivalent of titans, and then proceeds to almost kill her by accident, gets into a duel with, and kills his best bro Ferdiad, and gets into a war with Queen Medb. When he was 23, an 8 year old boy shows up at his door, and starts challenging the Ulster men to duels. One by one he defeats Cu Chulainn's buddies until he kills one. Cu Chulainn, in a fit of rage, slaughters the boy, only to find he's wearing the ring that he had given Aoife nearly a decade prior. Oops.

            During the war against Medb, the Hound was comfortable murdering and living it up, when some random hot sexy babe shows up at his door wanting his babies. While Cu Chulainn was normally all for opportunities to use his dipstick, something about this girl gave him bad vibes, so he turned her down. Turns out, she was Morrigan, the goddess of battle, crows, and a few other awesome things. Upset with his refusal of her godly sexing, she prophesies his soon demise. Ulster's men start to badly lose against Medb's armies, and are weakened by a curse. Soon, they are pushed back to the gates of Ulster, with Cu Chulainn being the only man left strong enough to fight. Cu Chulainn's surrogate father, Sultam Mac Roth accidentally cuts his own head off with his shield, but continues to yell commands, and rally the men to fighting. Which is kinda awesome.

            For Cu Chulainn, though, it's not as good. Pressured back to the gates of Ulster, he fights men by the scores for days. His warp spasm sustains him, but he soon tires. Mortally wounded, and eminently exhausted, he ties his own intestines around a pillar so he can stand upright and continue fighting until he dies. Nobody believes he is dead until Morrigan, in the guise of a crow, lands on his shoulder, and confirms his death. Medb's men cut off his head and right hand and keep them as trophies. With his death, Medb is satisfied, and does not sack the city. Prophecy is fulfilled, he was the greatest of warriors, and died young.

            Last edited by Johnnyallstar; 02-21-2015, 01:01 AM.

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            • #7
              I do enjoy reading this, JAS. I can't contribute much discussion wise because I'm not well versed in this stuff, I do enjoy these.
              sigpic

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              • #8
                That's okay, outside of greek mythology, and by that I mean general pantheon knowledge and the Odyssey, most people don't know that much about myths. The Thor story is slightly obscure outside of scandanavia, and Cu Chulainn is almost unheard of outside of the Eire anymore. Though I was surprised when my buddy told me his new dog was named Cuchulainn, because nobody ever knows that story.

                Maybe next I'll explain why Achilles is such a wuss, and why there are half a dozen more kickass heroes from the Iliad worth holding in higher regard.

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                • #9
                  Is there a TL;DR version
                  2014 Champion of the Walter Football PPR League

                  CMD VI Runner Up

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                  • #10
                    So Thor, Loki (before he went full evil), and Thor's houscarl Thalfi (think Lidya from Skyrim) were adventuring in Midgard (land of you, me, and all the other jerkoffs).
                    This alone made it worth my time. Keep this thread active.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Monk3P0 View Post
                      Is there a TL;DR version
                      Sure
                      http://tinyurl.com/kebbgsz

                      Originally posted by Clovdyx View Post
                      This alone made it worth my time. Keep this thread active.
                      Have any requests, or do I just throw darts to determine what next?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Tell me a story I don't know, gawsh
                        JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!?

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Johnnyallstar View Post
                          Sure
                          http://tinyurl.com/kebbgsz



                          Have any requests, or do I just throw darts to determine what next?
                          Tell me about your favorite mythological character that reminds you of me.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Clovdyx View Post
                            Tell me about your favorite mythological character that reminds you of me.
                            Alrighty. Let's talk about a legendary warrior who got all the *****es, and had the best bromance of all time. Middle eastern mythology this time. The first, and original badass of history is the subject of the earliest recorded "epic story" from 2500 BC. Before the time of Hammurabi, before the rise of the greeks, before the advent of China, there were twelve stone tablets which told the story of Gilgamesh.



                            Banging babes, and whippin slaves. Just like the old south.

                            Gilgamesh is assumed to be a real, living person that a myth was built around. Being 2/3 god and 1/3 human shows that the Sumerians thought he was awesome and incredible at everything... and they didn't quite grasp exactly how reproduction works. The demigod king of Uruk (both where Iraq is located, and the name derived) in Sumeria, he was renown as the greatest womanizer in ancient times. He was such a womanizer, that all the people in his own and the surrounding kingdoms pleaded to their assorted gods* for somebody to stop his boner's unquenchable thirst for females. He also was oppressing his young men by forcing them to games, tests of strength, and (everyone's favorite) forced labor.

                            *ancient Sumerian gods would have been considered puny by most other mythological or religious pantheons. Most of them were small gods, of tiny areas, and limited power. Didn't like a god? Move twenty feet, he's probably not the god there. Most gods catered to individual households, and the most powerful gods to a single city. The concept that the God of Abraham was the one singlular God of the universe and everything within blew their collective minds, because they couldn't just cross a river and get away from Him.

                            Anyways, these gods, in their brilliance decided to create a man who was Gilgamesh's equal. His name was Enkidu, and he was covered in hair, lived with wild animals, and was excessively violent. Gilgamesh heard about this psychopathic Bear Grylls from trappers who had their stuff wrecked by this guy, so he set out to assert his kingship. But while preparing to fight someone who the gods ordained was his equal, he got an even better idea. Instead of fighting fair, he would weaken this wild man. He went to his local temple and picked up Shamhat, the chief prostitute (seriously her name translates into "the luscious one") and used her to seduce Enkidu. Enkidu, who had been used to goats and whatever other wild animals he would mate with went absolutely nuts when he saw he could instead have sex with a real live woman. For seven days, and seven nights straight Shamhat banged Enkidu's brains out, to the point that Enkidu decided civilization wasn't all that bad. Gilgamesh was so impressed by Enkidu's endurance, he took GongKong's advice and instead of killing the guy, turned gangbanging Sumerian babes together into a team building exercise.


                            BFFs

                            Gilgamesh and his homie then are told by the gods they could get mad reputation if they travel to the Cedar Forest 20,000 walking hours away (modern day Lebanon) and slay some demigod asshat named Huwawa. They make the travel, and Gilgamesh has some bad dreams about phoenixes, mountains falling down, thunder, and fighting this ogre. When they finally arrive, they find that Huwawa is bigger than they imagined, and a total cunt. Huwawa stands around mocking the dynamic duo, and Gilgamesh is actually a bit frightened of the giant, but decides to fight anyways. Well, his dream starts coming true, with mountains being laid waste, thunderbirds breathing fire all over the place, and general craziness. Gilgamesh decides he's had it, and kicks Huwawa in the dick, allowing the wind god to bind Huwawa in windy shackles. Gilgamesh was going to be the bigger man and not kill Huwawa, but Enkidu knew that you get bonus EXP from landing the final blow, so he cut off the giant's head with his spear. Instead of walking back home, they cut down some trees, build a raft, and sail around the Arabian peninsula back to the River Euphrates with Huwawa's severed head in tow.


                            Experts of double teaming villains and ladies alike

                            So they get back home to Uruk and relax for a while. Gilgamesh is approached by the fertility and sex goddess Ishtar, who wants to marry Gilgamesh. But Gilgamesh is a true alpha, and doesn't do the whole marriage thing, especially with a girl who gets married and divorced fast enough to make Kim Kardashian stand in awe... and then he literally proceeds to tell the goddess of sex and fertility how she is unfaithful as ****, sucks at her job, and can take her diseased coochie for a hike. Balls out. Ishtar is so enraged by him, that she runs to her daddy, Anu the Judge, the god of the sky, and supreme deity of the heavens. She begs daddy to give her the Bull of the Heaven to stampede Uruk and kill Gilgamesh... and if he refuses, she'll bust open the gates of the dead and bring all the dead back to life as an army which outnumbers the entire total living population.


                            Ishtar, the crazy slut you do not want to spurn.

                            Anu, being a dummy, capitulates his favorite daughter, and gives her access to the prized Bull of Heaven. As she drives it towards Uruk, Gilgamesh and his BFF Enkidu meet it before it reaches the city. If mythology tells you anything, it's that you don't dick around with a demigod.... especially when there's two of them. Enkidu grabs the bull by the horns as it charges, and wrestles it to the ground. Gilgamesh then calmly shivs it, putting it out of it's misery before giving Enkidu the first great Brofist. Enraged at the loss of the Bull of Heaven, the gods lash out against the two demigods instead of the stupid slut responsible for the whole thing. But instead of killing them both, they strike Enkidu with a wasting illness, and Enkidu, bro of bros, dies within a few days. His last regret was that he didn't die in battle like a true Viking warrior.


                            REST IN PEACE, BRO

                            The Bull of heaven was awarded a place in the stars as the constellation Taurus, but Gilgamesh was despondent. He just lost his best bro, and there was nothing that could break him from his depression, and sudden horror of death. But he had heard rumors about Utnapishtim, a man who, having survived the Great Flood, was granted immortality along with his wife. Yes, Utnapishtim is what the Sumerians called Noah, and the story is pretty much the same, except that Utnapishtim and his wife are elevated to godhood at the end. Sidetrack aside, Gilgamesh tracks down Utnapishtim looking for his secret for immortality. He rides for days, finding a tunnel guarded by scorpion men who allow him to pass only because of his divine nature. He then comes upon a garden made up of trees which bore jewels instead of fruit. Uncaring, he passes through, until he meets Siduri, the goddess of beer and wine. She tries to convince Gilgamesh to just enjoy the simpler things in life, but his fear of death prevents him. She then tells him the way to the ferryman who can take him to Utnapishtim. Gilgamesh has one of his badass fits of rage, and destroys several stone giants during his tantrum, not realizing they were what powered the ferryman's boat. The ferryman of the underworld, Urshanabi (yeah, just like the greek Charon) is rather upset with Gilgamesh, but forgives him when Gilgamesh produces 500 wooden stakes to drive the ferry forward.

                            Once Gilgamesh meets Utnapishtim, he demands to know the secret of immortality, but Utnapishtim tells him that death is just a natural part of life, and he needs to accept it. When Gilgamesh threatens another violent outburst, Utnapishtim gives Gilgamesh a challenge. Much like sleep, death is natural, so if Gilgamesh could resist sleeping for seven days and seven nights, Untapishtim would tell him the secret of immortality. Gilgamesh passed out within minutes of sitting down. Utnapishtim felt sorry for the warrior, so after waking him up, told the tale of a special plant which grew in the middle of the ocean, and would restore youth to whoever would eat it. It wasn't immortality, but it was good enough for Gilgamesh. So Urshanabi the ferryman takes Gilgamesh to the middle of the ocean, and Gilgamesh becomes the first deep sea diver with nothing more than a rope tied around his waist.


                            Very fashionable straw speedo he's wearing.

                            Gilgamesh recovers the plant, but is wary to eat it right away. He decided that he would eat it once he gets home to Uruk, where he would live in restored youth and vigor. But while he was being ferried by Urshanabi, a snake slipped into the boat, ate the plant, and shed it's old skin, renewing it's youth. Seeing this, Gilgamesh was unconsolably despondant. Once home, he commanded his people to dam up the Euphrates and build him a grave under the life giving river.

                            In 2003, archeologists found a large, elaborate tomb underneath where the Euphrates once ran, and they believe it may be the tomb of Gilgamesh. Conspiracy theorist nerds literally crapped themselves with joy.

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                            • #15
                              Johnny have you ever read Til We Have Faces: A Myth Retold by C.S Lewis?

                              It's an outstanding book. One of my all time favorites. It retells the myth of Cupid and a Psyche in a pretty brilliant way.

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